I am not a good rester…

I know. Spell check didn’t like that word either.

As I reflect on my sabbath year so far, I have some confessions to make, besides the one that I chose to title this post. It’s been a weird year. Not terrible. Not great. Confession #2: This whole resting thing seems like laziness and I feel like I have to justify it to others. Not that anyone is demanding I do, it’s the subtle reactions I get when I talk about what I’m NOT doing now.

A few of my friends have made comments about gearing up for my busy summer. That’s the pattern I’ve lived for the past several years – summers filled with ministry stuff and little time for anything else. As much as I love our SABBATH groups, I heaved a sigh of relief when Benny and I decided to take the summer off to rest and play as a family. Now, what does that look like? I have no idea. We’ve never done that before. Ever.  I think the last time I took the summer off to rest and play, I was in high school. You know, before I had to get a real job and be a responsible grown-up.

My attempts to talk with God about all of the stuff I need to work on: Character flaws, my lack of ability to finish what I start (like drawing challenges – ha!), caring too much what other people think, and my homeschooling quandary, are met with Him telling me to rest, and that I worry too much. Yeah, I LOVE hearing that.

Slowing down has had some unfortunate consequences. Confession #3: Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected, lonely, forgotten, like I’m starving for attention. I am a pursuer, and I think my friends depend on me pursuing them.  When I don’t, I’m shocked (and a little hurt) at the lack of people pursuing me. Is it a reflection of my personality? Do I appear too busy? How do I change that? Do I need better friends or better communication skills? Probably the latter. My friends rock.Benny and I had a long chat about this. Using the same tone of voice as he would say “of course you’re a redhead” he told me that of course I’m a pursuer. It’s my personality. It’s what I do. Mr. Smartypants also told me that my friends probably do assume I’m busy all of the time because I am. Except now I’m not, and they’re all confused. He asked who my close friends are now and told me to focus on them and not worry about whether or not I’m being pursued. He also told me to back off the toxic relationships in my life. Good idea. This advice was free and I didn’t even have to lie down on the couch and discuss how I feel about my mother.

Confession #4: I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know what I want.

The next 77 days (not including my two weeks of camp in Oklahoma) are stretched out before me. I want to read, have long chats on the phone, over Skype, or sit across from you – my friends –with a cup of Chai in my hand, watch movies, teach my daughter how to throw a fast-pitch softball, read, write a real letter, work on the novel I tell people I’m writing, beat my son at cribbage, take the other son down in a water balloon fight, sleep until noon, update my coupon binder, go on dates with my husband, and read some more. And I want to do these things spontaneously.

 I don’t want every day on the calendar filled in,

but I want every day to be full.

That’s my plan. I’m not a good rester, but I will be.

How about you? What are you looking forward to this summer?

30 Day Drawing Challenge Part 2: Day 14 – 19

Day 14 – Worst Punishment

Ignore me. That is worse than screaming at me or hitting me. Seriously. She’s not armless, by the way. Her arms are crossed in front of her, you just can’t see them.

Day 15 – Favorite Fish

Finding Nemo was such a great movie! So many quotable lines, especially by my favorite character, Dory. How could I not love a fish that can read?

“Hey there, Mr Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, do you wanna know what you’ve gotta do? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming…”

Day 16 – A Major Accident/Pain in your life

Um…yeah…I wasn’t up to doing this one this week.

Day 17 – First Crush

I never went through the “boys are gross” stage, and I’ve had about a hundred crushes, but my first was Michael Hurda. He was the boy next door. Okay, more like a block away. I could see his house from our porch. He had dark brown hair and a big cheesy grin. We walked to our elementary school together all through first and second grade, and logged hundreds of miles circling the neighborhood on our bikes. He never treated me like a girl when we were kicking a ball around or playing tag, so of course I loved him. On a field trip to our teacher’s farm in first grade, he told my mom he loved me and was going to marry me someday. Then we moved away the next year and I didn’t see him again until a chance meeting in high school. He had moved to another city but was visiting our hometown and we ran into each other. We reconnected for a bit as friends, but lost touch again. Not to sound all stalkerish, but I know where he is. I found him on Facebook, but didn’t friend request him. I also found the biggest crush of my childhood, and we ARE friends on Facebook, but that’s not today’s challenge.

Day 18 – Outer Space

“Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”

I can not hear the word “space” without the rest of the phrase running through my mind or slipping out of my mouth. Yes, I am a geek, and proud of it. In college, my best friend Kevin and I met weekly with several of our other geeky friends to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation in the parlor of McCloud Hall. I experience a brief wave of nostalgia, smell popcorn, and think of Kevin every time I watch an episode on Netflix. Yes, all seven seasons are available on instant watch. You’re welcome!

Day 19 – Favorite Holiday

July 29th. The best day of the year, and my very favorite holiday. My birthday.

Check out the daily drawings of my friends taking the challenge:

Don Hillson
Zoe Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Notes From The Backseat
Niki Turner

Jesus, Peter, Me, and the Number Three

“I don’t want to do it.”

“It’ll be okay. This is the next step for you. Trust me.”

“But I waited a long time to get away from my childhood of rough people and hopelessness. I thought those days were behind me. Now you want it in my face every day? Why, Lord?”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes, Lord. You know I love you.”

“Then feed my sheep.”

“But what does that even mean? Aren’t I already feeding your sheep? Isn’t that what we’ve been doing for the last 9 years in youth ministry?”

“I have a different flock in mind for you. Trust me. Do you love me?”

“Yes, of course I do. You know that I love you.”

“Then tend my lambs.”

“But Lord, I’m not sure I can. I’ve never been homeless. Why would they listen to me? What if I say the wrong things?”

“Do you love me?”

“Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.”

“Feed my sheep. I chose you for this moment. You have what it takes, and I went before you and prepared the way. Just follow me.”

 

I lived this conversation nine years ago, before leaving traditional youth ministry. Like Peter falling back on fishing, youth ministry was my place of relative comfort. I knew what to expect. I was familiar with the tug of the net and the weight of a good haul as well as the frustration of being…fishless.

Oh yes, I get Peter. He and I have a lot in common.

I’ve gleaned many truths from the Bible story in John 21:

• When we throw our net in where Jesus tells us too, even working as a team we won’t be strong enough to pull in our catch, and our net won’t rip. I like the sound of that.
• Sometimes we provide the catch and sometimes Jesus does. (He was already cooking fish and bread over a fire before the disciples reached the shore and He asked them to bring more fish for the meal.)
• When Peter saw Jesus, he jumped in the water to head for shore. I’m guessing he was still trying to get his head around Jesus’ resurrection and was eager to be with Him as much as possible. I wonder if just for a moment, he thought it a second chance to walk on water. Would I?
• At the end of this passage when Peter asked about Jesus’ plan for John, Jesus told him not to worry about anyone else, just to follow Him. Now there’s a lesson I need to embrace!

Here’s my favorite part of the story:

The Bible tells us Peter was hurt and probably frustrated when Jesus asked him the same question three times. Yes, it takes some of us longer to catch on than others, but I think it was more than that. Three is one of the numbers that repeats throughout the Bible, especially in Peter’s life:

• Peter spent three years with Jesus before this story takes place.
• He was one of the three people in Jesus’ inner circle, and present at the transfiguration.
• He had denied Jesus three times.
• Jesus came back to life three days after His death and Peter was one of the first people He pursued.
• The fishing story in John 21 was the third time Jesus had appeared since His resurrection.
• Going back to the beginning, the third day of creation was when the water parted and earth rose up creating land. That same day there was vegetation (growth) and it spread. Can you see the parallels between creation and the resurrection?

I’m fascinated by numbers – it’s no accident that our ministry is called SEVENS. Numbers create beautiful patterns and focal points to help us understand order and importance in the stories of our Christ, the Bible, and our lives today.

Like my friend Chris pointed out in his post on Sacred Margins earlier this week, Peter’s job changed when Jesus took him from being a fisherman to being a fisher of men. Peter owned a fishing business, which means the man had skills and potential, a mighty combination which Jesus used to plant and grow His Church. He still works that way, you know.

It wasn’t Jesus, but Peter who needed this confirming conversation of the triple confession of love. Jesus knew who Peter was and where he was headed, but I think He also knew that in the back of Peter’s mind, he hadn’t let go of the triple denial. By asking about his love, it made Peter think a little and open himself up for healing of that wound. It was further confirmation that Peter was getting a second chance. It also provided an opportunity for Jesus to give him his mission, not once, or twice, but three times.

I too required more than one charge about the mission Jesus gave ME to feed His sheep. My concentration was on the flock of teenagers in my life and God moved me, literally, changing my flock to the homeless, broken-hearted, and captives in the Denver and Boulder area. New flock, new mission, new confirmation that Yes, I love Jesus and He’s building something with me. I’m part of His plan. He’ll keep welcoming me back when I drift and doubt, giving me direction…as many times as it takes.

30 Day Drawing Challenge – Days 8-13

Yes, I know I’m killing the mood on this whole drawing challenge. It’s tax week and I’ve been sick. Yuck. I spent a couple of hours today catching up.

Day 8 – Amusement Park

I’m not a fan of long lines, over-priced food, and sunburn. It reminds me of being a little kid and waiting in a line that seems to never end, only to spend 10 seconds scalding your backside on the metal slide before landing in a puddle. I’ve been missing my Draw Something matches with Don, so I drew this in that style, only allowing 30 seconds to draw the whole picture to get my point across.

Day 9 – Your “Spirit Animal”

Spirit animal? Like I believe in that stuff! If I were going to compare myself to any animal, it would be this one:

Day 10 – Hometown Memory

Grandad Bluff is the closest thing I had to a mountain when I was growing up. It’s a mesa that towers over LaCrosse, Wisconsin at a whopping 590 feet above the city, and 1183 feet above sea level. It was the backdrop to my childhood. I rode my bike all over the city, looking up and imagining what it would be like to be in real mountains. It’s where I went when I snuck out to watch fireworks on New Years Eve when I was 14. I “parked” there with a boyfriend. I took my out of town friends there on touristy trips, attended birthday and graduation parties there, and even climbed past the fence and sat on a rock (don’t tell my mom), dreaming about the day I would leave LaCrosse behind. Now I live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains – my dream come true – and honor the place in my heart for Grandad Bluff, the mountain of my youth.

Day 11 – Last request if the world was ending

Easy. My last request will always be that EVERYONE will come to know how much they are loved by God, and choose to embrace His grace and mercy as the sons and daughters they are.

Day 12 – What did you want to be when you grew up?

I traced the hard lines then filled in the details because I’m trying to hurry and get caught up on this challenge.

Imagine a red-headed Wonder Woman. That’s what I wanted to be.

Day 13 – Favorite Mythical Creature

I blogged once about living the mermaid life. You should read it.

Go check out the other mythical creatures doing this drawing challenge:

Don Hillson
Zoe Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Notes From The Backseat
Niki Turner
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Kimmy Haines [posting on Facebook]

30 Day Drawing Challenge – Day 7

Day 7 – Favorite Bird

Birds? I’m not a fan. Sure, they’re pretty and some of them have beautiful songs, but when I think of animals I like, birds don’t make the cut. Except for this one.

Today’s challenge is for the birds. That is, the birds these folks drew:

Don Hillson
Zoe Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Notes From The Backseat
Niki Turner
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Kimmy Haines [posting on Facebook]

30 Day Drawing Challenge – Days 5 & 6

Day 5 – Favorite Movie

In the Spring of 1992, I sat in a darkened movie theater with the guy I had begun dating a few days earlier. It was our first date and we brought along a couple hundred of our closest friends. Now and then, our college would rent one of the theater rooms at the little movie theater in town. The night’s feature was Beauty and the Beast. It was such a great night. When Gaston came on the screen and started to sing, there was a chorus of students that yelled, “Chip!”, to which my cocky, deep-voiced friend replied something like, “What? I’m nothing like that!” At least that’s how I remember it. Chip might tell a different story. I also remember a collective audible sigh when the Beast presents Belle with a library. It’s fun watching movies with your own people.

The thing that cements this movie as my favorite, and this night in my memory, is the few minutes alone with Benny later than night. I told him I felt so close to him that I could marry him. And THAT is why Benny tells everyone that I proposed to him. That was not a proposal. It was a green light.

He did eventually propose and we married a year later. That was 20 years ago, next month. Wow.

Day 6 – Favorite Drink

Don’t forget to check out the other challengers:

Don Hillson
Zoe Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Notes From The Backseat
Niki Turner
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Kimmy Haines [posting on Facebook]

30 Day Drawing Challenge – Days 3 & 4

Day 3 – First Car/Bike/Mode of Transportation

Here it is, my very first car. It was a 1980somethingorother Dodge Omni. Be impressed that I know that much about it. My tomboyishness did not extend to being a grease monkey. I knew how to put gas in it, change the wiper fluid, check the oil, and that was about it. I wish I could tell you that my skills have improved.

I paid my cousin Scott $300 for this little beauty. It was dark blue, well, most of it was. The driver’s door was several shades lighter and there were MANY spots that were scratched so badly the red paint underneath peaked out. There was a sizable hole in the backseat floorboard – nothing a cookie sheet didn’t cover up nicely. It had more dents than smooth surfaces, but the bumpers were fully attached and all the windows rolled down, so I was happy.

I drew it with the hood open because that’s how I remember it the best. Yes, that’s a fan under the hood, only because I’m not sure how to draw a jet engine. It was loud! The squirrel is there because I was sure that’s what kept chewing the hoses up, and what was running the wheel to keep the car in motion. Even though my drawing is way better than the actual car was, it did get me from Wisconsin to Nebraska and back several times during my Sophomore year of college. When Benny and I got engaged, I sold my car to my step-dad for $300. Win win.

Day 4 – A Secret About Yourself

Um…ahem…I’m a terrible housekeeper. I know a lot of women say that then you want to smack them because they smell like furniture polish and you can’t see anything out of place in their entire house. I promise you, that is not me. I wish it was. It’s not just laziness or lack of caring, and I can’t totally blame it on having 3 children, or the fact that I homeschool and most of our day is spent at home. A small part of it is probably that I can handle a little dirt. All of my germophobic friends reading this are freaking out and thanking me for not inviting them over.

The irony is that I’m a great organizer. I could have my own Pinterest following based on my organizing tips alone. I’m just really bad at keeping myself organized. And I hate cleaning. I’m trying to train my kids to do certain jobs because I hate doing them so much. After they move out, I’ll have to train Benny.

Check out the other challengers:

Don Hillson
Zoe Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Notes From The Backseat
Niki Turner
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Kimmy Haines [posting on Facebook]